Having children can put your marriage at risk. While approximately 90% of married couples have children, fifty percent of couples report that the arrival of the first child also brings a drop in marital happiness. For those couples, marital happiness usually doesn't swing back up until the last child leaves the home. In addition 1/3 of mothers and fathers experience depression during this important transition. Depression takes its toll on marriage and marital unhappiness can cause depression.

Dr. Pamela Jordan and associates at the University of Denver found that couples who felt the most committed to each other were most likely to want to parent together. Notice though that 50% of couples starting a family do not experience a drop in marital happiness and that 2/3 parents do not get depressed. How do they handle this important transition? They master two skills: keeping the marriage primary in the midst of the busyness of the parenting demands and managing conflicts.

Protecting Fun and Friendship

In our work with new parents, we find that most couples are realistic about the adjustments of the first few months with a new baby - expecting the fatigue, distraction, and lack of energy.

What often blindsides couples after those first few months is that things never return to "normal." A new normal is created characterized by the continual demands of an infant. Even as baby learns to sleep for longer periods at night, the daytime demands are exhausting and time consuming. One of our clients described the impact of parenting on his marital satisfaction. "After the birth of our child, my relationship with my wife changed. I felt like I lost my best friend, my playmate, and my lover." How can couples stay mindful of the centrality of their relationship as they expand their family to include children?

Recommendations:

• Continue to have special time just with your spouse;
• Continue to schedule adult only date time;
• Continue to talk, share experiences, and keep connected emotionally;

  An important principle: don't expect good marriage maintenance to happen spontaneously. It takes planning, time, and effort.

Communicating Well

It is ironic that at a time when you have less time to talk, you have more to talk about. Couples who fail to take time to communicate intimately and regularly are likely to slip into bad communication habits such as:

• Negative interpretations of each other's behavior and then acting on your misunderstandings;

• Escalation from issues to personal attacks to threatening the relationship;

• Withdrawal from and avoidance of conflict.

Recommendations:

To build good habits and stay on track:

• Find time to talk. You cannot rely on spontaneous opportunities like when you were childless. Take a walk with your baby in the stroller and talk about how the day went. Get a sitter and go out for a cup of coffee. After baby goes to bed, it is easy to channel surf your way through the evening but having a 10 minute daily catch-up right after the baby is tucked in can have a cumulative effect of feeling connected with each other's lives. This catch-up should not be problem focused but should build three good habits: talk, listen, and ask.

• Really listen to your partner, pausing form time to time to summarize what you are hearing.

• Talk about information that your partner needs to know about. Skip the playgroup gossip and talk about how you feel about the in-laws coming to visit.

• Ask your partner interesting question such as:
  • What do I need to know to be caught up with your life?

  • What do you need right now and how can I help you get it?

  • Is there anything I need to change?

Dealing with Conflict

Feeding, soothing, and disciplining a child together all provide opportunities for parents to disagree. Couples who have floated along on love before babies find themselves arguing all the time unless they develop conflict management skills.

Recommendations:

• Work together as a team. The problem being discussed is the adversary not each other.

• If discussions become heated, take a brief time-out to cool off. Don't use the time-out as an excuse for avoidance. Instead, spend the time soothing yourself and getting back your problem-solving attitude before returning to the discussion.

• Take the time to listen to each other's separate perceptions about the problem. The better you can develop a combined definition of the problem, the better will be the solution.

• Don't grab the first solution. Brainstorm a list and then critique the solutions.

• Get specific action plans with jobs and time lines specified.

• Follow up to make sure you have resolved the conflict to mutual satisfaction.

Dividing Household Responsibilities

Along with a child's arrival comes a whole new set of responsibilities. It is time to negotiate a new contract about how household and childcare duties will be fairly distributed. Women who perceive an unfair distribution of childcare and household responsibilities often feel resentful and withdraw from the marital sexual relation-ship. Instead, prioritize tasks and assign them to the partners based on strengths and preferences. Consider getting some household help. This is particularly useful when both people are working outside the home.

Keeping Romance Alive

Making time for intimacy takes creative thinking and problem solving to work around the normal new parent fatigue. Mothers particularly complain that by the time they get the kids in bed at 8:30 they are so burned out and exhausted that sex is the last thing on their minds. This is true whether they have been home all day with the kids or work outside the home. Fathers too are challenged to fit in childcare and home maintenance with busy work lives in a way to leave energy for making the intimate connection with their wives. Couples need to problem solve about how they might get more rest to have some energy for enjoying each other. Here are some ideas to find time for that intimate connection:

• Try to going to bed as early as possible and set the alarm for 30 minutes early in the morning to have some intimate time together.

• If you have local grandparents ask them to watch the children for an afternoon or an overnight.

• Trade weekend child care with friends or neighbors who also would appreciate some time alone together in their own house.

In one of our workshops, we met a couple with six children who put out bowls of Cheerios on Saturday morning and set up videos of Sesame Street shows taped during week. Not only did they get intimate time together, their children learned to respect that privacy.

Books

Jordan, Stanley, & Markman. Becoming Parents. How to Strengthen Your Marriage as Your Family Grows.

Copyright 2005 Drs. Susan & Philip Robison. Feel free to copy and reproduce as long as you print with contact information.