What if this year of marriage could be your best year ever, would you want that for each other? Of course, who wouldn’t? Best years and extraordinary marriages don’t happen by chance. They require that you consciously decide to be proactive about what you want from your marriage instead of drifting along hoping things will get better? In this newsletter we give you a way to approach this next year as if you are determined to make it your best year ever.

Doing What Works

In this season of New Year’s resolutions, pause to take a backward look before going forward: how did our marriage go last year?

• What was really successful and how can we deepen and broaden that success by doing more of the same?

• What are some things that didn’t go so well? How can we eliminate and decrease the possibilities of those things recurring this year?

If your marital contract was renewed annually, you might have to behave better than presuming your spouse is stuck with you. Have you ever asked yourself, “How would I like to be married to me?” In the midst of all your complaints about your spouse, maybe you should consider the possibility that you aren’t such a prize either. Defining what it would take to create the best year ever can keep you on the track to an extraordinary marriage.

As a device to dreaming aloud about this great year, let’s examine the typical areas of a couple’s life. Our Catholic couples might consider this list to be a couple’s version of an examination of consciousness. People in a 12 step program may recognize it as a way to take inventory as a couple about your joint life. The following springboard for discussion follows an acronym, PEMMSS, the physical, emotional, mental, money, social, and spiritual aspects of your relationship.

Physical

The physical aspects of your marriage can involve your physical body including topics from health to sexuality. It could also include questions about your environment.

• Are you taking good care of your physical health and helping your partner to do the same?

• Is your weight within the normal range?

• Do you get aerobic exercise for at least 20 minutes three times a week?

• Are you up to date on routine medical and dental check ups and diagnostics? (Sometimes husbands need a little push to make those appointments.)

• Do you take time from your busy schedule to make love on a regular basis? Happy couples have more sex than unhappy ones and the researchers aren’t sure which comes first, the happiness or the sex.

• Do you try new ways of love-making such as new settings or new techniques?

• Does your partner consider you to be a good lover?

• Do you touch and exchange affection without it always leading to sex?

• Does your physical environment support your life? Is your home clean and comfortable according to your standards? Does the size and layout suit you?

Emotional

You may have heard the old joke: “Some days I wake up cranky, other days I let him sleep.”

• Are you the cranky one at your house? Do you need to work on your own emotional management so that you are pleasant and polite to be with?

• Are your emotional difficulties caused by “stinkin’ thinkin’” – that is, focusing on your negative expectations instead of finding the positives in your life?

• If suffering from emotional difficulties do you care enough about yourself and the relationship to seek help from a counselor to resolve the issues causing you pain?

• Do you spend some time each day being grateful for your spouse and showing appreciation for the little things that are good in your life together?

Mental

• Are you getting stale in your conversation or do you try to initiate interesting conversations with something other than, “how was your day, dear?”

• To avoid intellectual staleness, do you keep up with the world around you as you define it, whether in your professional life, hobbies, etc.? Do you include your spouse in your world?

• When was the last time you read and discussed a book together?

• Ditto for taking a course on something of mutual interest? What, no mutual interests? Then it’s time to try out some new areas together.

Money

• Have you reviewed the financial aspects of your life lately including:
  • Your earnings, debt, and spending plans?

  • Your current rate of savings – taking the maximum advantage of retirement plans provided by your employer and augmented by your own IRAs and other tools as needed?

• Do you have:
  • A rainy day fund for 6 months of income?

  • A “sunny day” fund for dreams of travel, hobbies, and other pleasures?

• Are your wills, advanced directives, and insurance policies up to date?

Social Skills

• Do you practice your good manners with your spouse or do you save them up for your work colleagues and golf buddies?

• Do your communication skills need an update? Does your partner think that they do? Every quarter, we offer a communication skill update in a small group or individually scheduled seminar at an affordable fee to remind couples of how to listen, talk, and resolve conflicts.

• Do you treat your partner with respect when others, whether friends or family, are present?

Spritual

Your spiritual relationship can be defined by your faith life or by the deeper connection you make with each other within your value system(s).

• Do you take Sabbath time for each other regularly? You might include formal worship and you also need to have some time unplugged from the busy and media-driven life you lead most of the time.

• Do you explore the deeper side of your relationship, perhaps through an annual retreat or a night out for an educational presentation about marriage? How do you step back and talk about where the relationship has been and where it is going?

Caution

Do not overwhelm yourselves.
You can’t do all of the above. Pick one thing and stick to it.

The above suggestions are not for couples who are currently struggling with tough times such as the death of a parent or the birth of a baby. Sometimes, the measure of a good year is that you survived it.

January is named after Janus, the god of doorways pictured with two faces, one looking backward and one looking forward. As you look forward to another year with your spouse, make it your best year ever.

Resources

Covey, Stephen. Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families.
Ditzler, Jinny S. Your Best Year Yet: A proven method for making the next twelve months the most successful ever.
Salsbury, Glenna. The Art of the Fresh Start.

Copyright 2006 Drs. Susan & Philip Robison. Feel free to copy and reproduce as long as you print with contact information: